Journal

Fondly remembering my first introduction to a human pup and puppy play. He came up to me on all fours, wearing his hood, wanting some scritches. I was in a safe environment with friends, and even though they laughed (not unkindly) at my startled expression, they allowed me this gentle introduction to a whole new experience. As pup, he didn’t speak human, but decided to remove his hood to answer my questions, and then even let me try the hood on. How amazing! I felt heartfelt joy as I explored on all fours and even got cuddles from friends. Sadly, I’ve not been able to make contact again but ever since, I’ve been reading and learning as much as I can about human pups. I would like to interact with other pups as I feel there’s so much more to learn and share with others in the same space.
I wish I had the self confidence to be brave to be able to step forward as he did to say hello and teach me about a whole new world. I know I can do it but.. I want to do it but.. But… that’s the whole point right there. I’m letting a but stop me, says my inner pup to me. What if I turned the but into a butt? Butt’s are meant for sniffing. Sniffing is a form of communication to say hello, who are you?
Wags!

22 Nov 2020

I’m finding it difficult to connect to my joy today. Everything is an effort. The human world can get a bit heavy for a little pup. There are things like Expectation and Productivity. This pup prefers spontaneous-in-the-moment stuffs but how to do that when it feels impossible?

I usually find the best way to do anything is to jump right in! Today, I had big plans to do a pup photoshoot for fun project but then bailed out at last minute. Because ‘ I can’t do it!’, was my reason. That’s how I feel today. I just can’t do it.

Now I know its been a tough week and some months with the pandemic lockdown, and feeling tired is normal. This was something else. Fear of disappointment.
I don’t like giving up and I really don’t enjoy the feeling of disappointment.

I try to encourage myself to start small on something that I know makes me feel better . I found a wonderful simple biscuit recipe and baked some yummy treats. Then I took these selfies below. A small burst of joy in a pup moment for me. I didn’t get to do my big planned photoshoot today but I connected with pup side which was great! And the photographer got fresh baked biscuits!

5 Dec 2020

So a question I’m sitting with today is – What exactly does a handler do ? I’m very much independent pup, my partner wants to learn about being handler to me as he can see that pupspace is my happy space. But I also want to be the very best pup for him. And to do that, I need to learn about this pup side of me, what it is, what it means and what it can mean for us in our relationship and dynamic. So right now, my focus is to meet other pup friends and explore what pup means means to me. And I’ll be returning to this handler question with my very own answer. Wruff!

6 Dec 2020

Whatever you do, don’t look down . But why? I like the down

It

falls

forever

22 Dec 2020

First of all, I am human. I enjoy escaping into fantasy of playing as a humanpuppy. I enjoy being in my body and living in my heart. I write to share my creativity as part of inspiring positive communication, both giving and receiving.

22 Dec 2020

What happens when the light doesn’t want you? You go to the dark. But what if the darkness doesn’t want you either? You wear a hood.

22 Dec 2020

I am human. I chose to use this expression of being pup as that’s the best way for me to absorb the information in my environment for self reflection later. Everything I do is for my own self growth and self development. My goal is to be the best version of myself and how I get there is my choice.

4 Jan 2021

I lost my taste for this website and stopped giving in to pupping out, over Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, Christmas was great! First time we stayed home to celebrate our own family time instead of going away to extended family. It was nice, we decorated, baked and ate too much sugary goodness.

Human pup exploration is hard. Especially when solo and without any other pup friends close by. Following updates about what’s happening with others, who are doing their best for freedom of expression for the various communities and society as a whole – only to be blocked or silenced, got to me. And the pandemic lockdowns added to that. Posting this New Year Borks helped me realise that I had to get back to sharing my pup exploration with others, too, even if it was only to do my small bit as “hero support” for the people doing real hard work out there. I was reminded of those moments of the brief online connections I had started making when I did speak up on social community sites and learnt about others’ self expressions. We’re all doing our best and at any given moment, where we can bump into each other and have an amazing discussion that leaves us with a positive sense of connection. I realise that these moments are like bubbles, fleeting and magical. Be quick to catch them before they pop or drift away.

13 Jan 2021

Listening to The Dog Dish podcast on Spotify. Really happy this popped up! I find his site to be an amazing inspiration and motivational, providing the information needed for someone like me – who has never been to a puppy social. Lockdown is challenging.

22 Jan 2021

What is it about the challenge of saying hello to someone new? I’m all happy and keen to meet a new friend, zoomies around the room with my heart full of joy. And then. . . I hit wall – literally and figuratively. I don’t know what to say or how to start a discussion. I’m bad at everyday chitchat. But I do so love to hear about the experiences and adventures of others. I don’t have much experience or adventures to share in return. I wonder what I do have to share.. time to start sniffing out some adventures.

2 Feb 2021

Chase and I have been together for over 20 odd years and married half of that. So it makes sense that he’s become my best friend and confidante. They don’t say married “for better and for worse”, for nothing. We’ve earned our relationship through time. That includes the vulnerable moments, even now, as he gives me advice on this website – reminding me why I started in the first place and to stop comparing to others.
Both Chase and Daddy are my support. Each in their own unique ways.
Daddy and I have now been together just over a year. And I feel my connection with him is as strong, especially with his guidance on my self growth and development. It has to be, feeling safe enough to be in pupspace is a huge vulnerability on its own. I’m feeling really grateful today for both partners and that I have their support to express myself in the way I need.

15 Feb 2021

I got to go camping away with Daddy earlier this month. It was fun, it was intense and added a new depth to our relationship. But it also added new questions for myself to dig through. So I’m processing my first pet play session ( in a cage!), meeting other pups and the interest shown by others outside pet play. Meanwhile, here’s Daddy’s point of view until I share my experience.

27 Feb 2021

Hooked on calik9.com, I love the modern dog training methods. Not only coz there’s so much Treats involved, but it also ticks off my needs for a good handler and so much more concepts. Seriously though, the positive reinforcement used by the team of Cali K9® makes sense – having the simple logical decency in treating any individual whether human or pet with respect.

13 Apr 2021

Last night, Daddy and I had a heart to heart discussion. (I’ve not been updating content that’s waiting). He asked me something important:
Am I still interested in being pup, to continue this journey with him? I hesitated before answering, which caught my attention. Why would I hesitate when the answer is a clear yes!?
Because this pup journey is that important to me. And Daddy, as my person and handler, guiding the pup adventures is an important part of this.
I hesitated because I’m scared.
This is unknown territory, I don’t know where pup is going, as I’ve begun to realise that I can’t pin this wolf pup down to any specific style or method, it’s opened up the potential for anything. The only reference I have is my gut instinct. And my handler to ensure that pup doesn’t cause too much trouble.

14 Jun 2021

How does a pup take control of their anger. Especially when pup is drowning in the emotion?
For me being pup means being in the body. This comes with the avalanches and tidal waves of emotional lash out. When pup loves, they love fully with their whole being. The same for all other emotions and feelings whether seen as positive or negative. It can be frightening experience for a lonely wolfpup. There is no words or control. I can’t surf or swim in this emotional ocean, so I become a drowning pup and will clutch at anything to stay afloat.
Having said that, I also understand the concept of self reliance and accountability. The instinct is to survive at all costs. This wolfpup is strong and resilient enough to learn to keep moving forward.

30 Jun 2021

I’m learning with every moment. Puppy doesn’t always understand what or why. An important lesson that I’m learning is that I can get up when I fall down. Another important thing to remember is that Daddy is always there with his hand out for me to hold onto. It’s my choice whether I want to hold onto him or not. Either way, he is there patient, loving and cheering me on. And not only Daddy, there is a whole community of friends and family surrounding me with love. I forget this. I’m like Pooh Bear, my mind can get full of fluff and I forget. And when I remember, my heart becomes full. Connection is through the heart. So much love for you all. Keep shining puppers!

2 Aug 2021

Exploring puppyspace seems to be a unlearning process for me. As hooman, we are taught to contain our physical affection to a minimum.  To be discreet with our public displays of affection, to remember our manners.
When really  inside , when seeing Daddy who makes my heart burst with love , the feelz is my heart growing so big it can burst in stars of love and happiness. My tail wags and I can’t keep still. I know my eyes must light up but my body has been conditioned to hide these emotions and be expressionless.
It can be  challenge to keep from bouncing onto my person for hugs and kisses. I can’t stop looking at his face, to touch him. Just thinking about him puts a wide grins on my puppy face.
When I gives in to the wags, my bum does respond naturally. I feel instantly lighter just letting the movement flow. I’m excited –  it must go somewhere so why not onto my person? 

15 Aug 2021

I’m published! I’ve put an ebook (My voice speaks to me) together with my own writings.

18 Aug 2021

Ever have one of those days where you must bite down to show a polite smiling face and be nice? When in reality all you want to is rip some idiot’s throat out coz they’re being difficult on purpose?
Yeah, me too, my whole August month so far has been biting down.  Sitting  like a good girl. I have deserved my good treats. Over and over again. Gimme my treats!

5 Sep 2021

Spring came up and went suddenly but it’s still winter weather in Cape Town. And this pup is missing the sun and her Daddy. We were going to go for nature walk today but got rained out. Whines.

13 Nov 2021

It’s been one year of exploring pup, and somewhere on this journey, I drops the ball. But look! A new bone, a new day. Keeps on walkies, pupperoo. Arwoof!

Being a little pup in a big world means getting lost every so often. But oh! the adventures that happen when you stray. And with adventure, you get to know the pup inside a little better.

My biggest lessons have come from my relationship with my hood. How I, and others, connect to CanePup while I wear it. Now, I don’t need the hood to be pup (there are other triggers that help me into pupspace – more on this later), but me wearing the hood seems to help people connect to me as puppy and this fuels Pup on further with play and fun. I do enjoy the chuckles and laughter when people get caught up in the moment of pupplay. Feeding me snacks, playing games of Fetch or Tug with me ‘n my toys, or just simple cuddles and scritches. I tend to have an anxious nature as hooman and worry about wearing my hood in groups without other pups. Once I can get over myself and put the hood on, all that worry disappears – it’s a head thing and puppy is about the body, not thoughts.

A pup friend reminds me, often, that I just haz to do it – make the time and put on the hood otherwise it’s never going to happen. He’s right, things tend to slide away if you don’t make the time. I did try wearing my hood in my morning yoga stretches and have let that slide away over the year. But recently have started picking that up again. I find wearing my hood helps with focus on my movements, without the distraction of thoughts and worries.

CanePup wants to explore this more as I have also had the good fortune to try out the ropes with Desire Lines. This was where I found out that puppy does not think much about being tied and will keep moving no matter what. And it was such fun! Astrid was so patient when Pup came out with the hood (read CanePup testimonial here). I know, I know, we should have expected it. Gallery to follow soon.. this is my favourite photo of them all, in the meantime.

Daddy has been my greatest supporter. He brings my puppy side out so easily, just by being playful and in the moment. And he’s been really curious about training me, using teachable moments and opportunities to keep puppy going. Hehe, not so easy it seems but we’ll get there. In the meantime, he’s been encouraging me to wear my hood at small private events with friends that I know and am comfortable with. A friend made the comment that my character changes completely. I admit Pup tends to be more assertive and vocal than my usual hooman quiet nature (as hooman). I’m also far more playful when others want to play.

9 Apr 2022

Daddy has been trying to teach me self discipline with encouragement through apps like Obedience. A habit tracker where Handler and Pup can complete daily tasks. It works well when both puts in effort. I find that I do need a lot a of encouragement and excitement to keep motivated. Bright colours, moving animation and happy sounds make for an excited pup willing to work for rewards and treats. I find that punishments and fear training don’t work too well. It brings up resistance. But encourage my creativity and imagination for problem solving and I’m your pup. The obedience app had been useful in a way to make us aware where we need more focus and effort in our dynamic and relationship as handler and pup. Communication is a key point that holds it all together. Currently, most of my efforts are between Daddy and me, while I learn more about my expectations of pupplay and pet play in general.

31 July 2022

I joined pupplay as a way of relaxation and self healing. My three words to describe why I pup out : affection, silliness, laughter.

A dear humanpuppy friend of mine is leaving the country to start a new adventure – a much deserved work experience that offers exciting opportunities. As much as I’m thrilled and happy for them, I feel sad to see them go, especially as I’ve let fear stop me from exploring further new opportunities with them here. So I guess it’s kinda like a wake up call to be here and now in the moment. To grab onto those special moments with those dear to me and make it count.
So here I am once more, digging into self motivation to jump forward with all four paws and stand proud as humanpuppy and connect with pups from the community. I’m still here – moving forward, one paw at a time.

14 August 2022

Somehow mold or mildew has started on my puphood. I’m cleaning it off and realising I don’t know enough about leather to stop this from happening again. Perhaps this is something that needs to be added to this blog? A how to look after your leather gear? A pup needs to look after their leatherwear. But what is needed to do this properly? Time to go on the hunt again…